Five Years
by Tabitha craft
Summary: Pacey returns to Capeside after travelling the world for the last five years as a doctor.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi all,**

 **So this is a one parter I wrote years ago. Spfan09 reminded me that this story even exists and so I went and reread it and decided to post it here. I may hunt and find and rework another couple of stories I haven't posted here as well. This does involve character death and is a one shot that I've split into two. It came to me...well I can't remember when but it was really the first scene I had in my head and it went from there.**

 **Please review! I beg as always;-) A little bit of feedback may invigorate me into getting those other stories into a fit shape to post (imagine me smiling a big cheesy grin here;-)**

 **Tab x**

 ** _Part One_**

The bell at the front desk was being rung. _Ting._ Pause. _Ting._ Pause. _Ting._ Pause. Huffing loudly Joey stalked into the foyer trying to plaster her best hostess smile on her face, but the smile fell when she saw him standing there leaning on the counter, feet crossed, the most lazy of smiles on his face. He was thinner than she'd seen him but even under the black t-shirt she could make out the sinews of defined muscles. He was tanned, a tan that only served to make his eyes bluer than any ocean she'd ever seen. His face was as youthful as ever, but it seemed slightly more serious, like there was a lot going on his head these days. Five years was a long time - he looked almost entirely different and yet achingly the same. His hand was paused ready to press the bell again.

'Press it again and it'll be the last thing you ever do,' she threatened with mock anger but was unable to take the lilt out of her voice completely.

'Well hello Joey Potter,' Pacey tugged at the ragged baseball cap on his head and grinned, as unfazed as he'd always been at her wrath.

'Pacey Witter,' she moved behind the counter officiously. 'What can I do for you?' she was all business.

'Well I'll be needing a room for a few days,' he leaned against the counter and his scent wafted up her nose - he smelt stupidly good.

'You've come to the right place,' she arched her brows.

'Thought so,' he turned his twinkling eyes on her taking her in. She was paler than she was when he left and her hair was shorter, about at her shoulders. It wasn't wild as she'd worn it senior year, but smooth and sleek - well conditioned. She was noticeably thinner, not entirely angular but she'd lost a couple of her curves he was sorry to see. Of course she was still beautiful - she'd always been beautiful. And the pretty summer dress, more like something Jen would have worn than Joey, was just perfect - out of character enough to make him wonder at how much this girl he'd once known so well had changed.

'A single room?' she asked pointedly looking behind him as if expecting to see some woman dragging a bag.

'With a double bed thanks,' Pacey shrugged easily.

'You expecting company? For the register,' she explained, with a sarcastic and somewhat caustic tilt of her head.

'Just like to spread out,' he smirked.

'This way,' she told him stepping from behind the counter, he waited a beat and then followed allowing him the opportunity to watch her ass as she lead him down the hall. 'This do you?' she asked pushing open the door to the newest room at the Potter B&B. It had a large double bed and a nautical theme.

'Suits me great,' he entered the room looking around and then turned to stare at her. He didn't mean to do it. Hell, it had been 5 years and they weren't more than friends before he left. It was completely inappropriate. Completely out of line. Completely not the done thing. But who was he to toe the line? When had he played by the rules? It had been going to happen the moment she stepped into his line of sight - basically a forgone conclusion. In fact it was a miracle he'd managed for it _not_ to happen for so long. He stepped up to her and without a word kissed her. He kissed her good and proper, his arms scooping her close and then tangling that manicured hair. He kissed her so intently that she had barely a second of intelligent thought before she didn't care about thinking and kissed him back.

She had to give him credit, he made fast work of her panties, and fast work of his jeans. But she didn't think to be embarrassed - she didn't think - seemed to be a problem with this mysterious and ever so handsome Pacey Witter. It might have been half an hour, or it may have been half a minute, Joey couldn't say how long it was before he was inside her, her back against the wall, his hot fiery kisses scorching her naked flesh. She couldn't have said how long it was before she came for the second time in her life with her entire body, with every cell. She almost collapsed on him, but he held her tight, his own orgasm bleeding from him for what felt like minutes.

They remained paralysed in one another's embrace for several moments until Joey coughed. Pacey stood back and grinned, pulling up his jeans with a nonchalant confidence.

'Welcome home Pacey,' he practically growled in low tones. Joey brushed her dress down, scooping to pick up her torn underwear.

'I hope you have a restful night. Enjoy your stay,' she spoke quickly before backing out of the room and closing the door behind her. Pacey just chuckled.

* * *

'Good morning Bess,' Pacey slept late the next morning missing breakfast.

'Pacey,' Bessie practically shrieked hugging him tight. 'I can't believe you're back!'

'Neither can I,' Pacey leant against the counter taking the coffee Bessie passed him gratefully.

'I'm not sure I even know where you've been. I lost track after you left India.'

'That was three years ago,' Pacey tugged his hat on.

'Well after that I couldn't keep up. One minute you were in Vietnam, the next Australia. Then you were in Italy and suddenly it was Spain. I even heard you went to Iraq.'

'So you have an idea where I've been!' Pacey smirked.

'But where were you last?'

'I've been in Nigeria for the last few months - I was in the Sudan for a while. Wherever the WHO is required.'

'So how come you're back?'

'Comes a time when you miss home. Can't say how long it'll be for but…' he shrugged.

'Have you seen my sister?' Bessie asked carefully. Pacey didn't pick up on the tone tucking into the pancakes Bessie had placed in front of him.

'She checked me in. Didn't she say?' he knew she probably hadn't said a thing and he smirked.

'Dawson picked her up early early this morning.'

'So Dawson's still in Capeside - what happened to the film career?' he frowned despite the mild flush of triumph he treacherously felt at the idea of Dawson failing.

'Oh Dawson lives in LA - he's doing alright for himself. Making some kids show. We watch it occasionally. Alex loves it.'

'Alex?' Pacey raised his eyebrows at Bessie. 'Man, how's Alex?'

'He's good. A good kid. He's 11 now. And a big brother.'

'You have another?' Pacey grinned.

'Sasha. She left with Joey this morning.'

'Congratulations Bess,' he slurped his coffee.

'She's 4 years old Pacey,' Bessie laughed.

'Well to me she's brand new!' Pacey laughed. 'Hey Bess, I don't mean to eat and run, but I haven't been to see my folks yet - I think I better do that - they weren't exactly aware I was coming back,' he gave her a sheepish smile.

'You change but you're still the same aren't you?' she rolled her eyes reminding Pacey of Joey.

'Thanks Bess,' he gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and left.

* * *

'So what did Dawson say when you told him Pacey was back?' Jen leaned forward eagerly.

'I didn't tell him,' Joey wrinkled her nose.

'Why not?' Jen bit her lip.

'They fell out, it's been five years, why should Dawson care?' Joey shrugged as Jen gave her a pointed look. 'Pacey will find Dawson if he wants to see Dawson.'

'So how did he look?' Jen asked changing the subject and closing down an email all at the same time.

'Like Pacey,' she was non committal feigning interest in her computer.

'It's been five years Jo, give me more than that!' Jen protested swirling around on her chair to stare at her friend. Joey stared steadfastly at her screen,

'He looked good - better. He's tanned… and rugged… and strong… and his eyes are the same…bluer… and…'

'You slept with him!' Jen couldn't keep the shock from her voice, the words rebounding around their small, friendly office. Joey blushed fuchsia confirming Jen's suspicion.

'It's not…' Joey began stuttering on her words almost immediately.

'I cannot believe you slept with him. You haven't seen him for five years, you don't even know where he's been for the last three years and you barley say five words to each other - on your own admission, and yet you slept with him…'

'It wasn't….' again Joey stuttered.

'It wasn't what? The brightest idea - no kidding Jo. What about Tom? I thought you liked Tom.'

'I do like Tom…' Joey protested.

'I don't think Tom would like you sleeping with Pacey.'

'Jen…' Joey tried to rationalise.

'What?' Jen gave her a stern look.

'I didn't mean to,' she attempted.

'You mean his cock accidentally fell inside you?' Jen frowned.

'Sort of,' Joey conceded.

'Come on,' Jen shook her head.

'Everything was normal and well fine. We were just talking and kinda teasing I guess. I showed him to his room and asked him if it was ok and then he was kissing me…'

'He came onto you?' Jen asked.

'It's hardly likely that I threw myself at him is it?' Joey bit out somewhat scathingly.

'I guess not,' Jen conceded.

'It just happened. We were kissing and it was unbelievable and then, then… somehow we were…you know.'

'What did he say afterwards?' Jen's emails were entirely forgotten.

'He said " _Welcome home Pacey_ ,"' Joey mimed quotation marks.

' _Welcome home Pacey_?' Jen squinted not entirely impressed. 'What did you say to that?'

'Something like " _I hope you have a restful night, enjoy your stay_."' Joey grimaced at her words. Jen burst out laughing. Even though Joey looked indignant Jen continued to laugh until Joey couldn't help but smile.

* * *

'Well now if it isn't Jen Lindly,' Pacey almost walked past his old friend as she strolled down the waterfront. 'And who is this little miss?' he bent down in front of the little girl with blond pigtails eating an ice cream.

'I'm Amy,' she smiled at the man who tweaked his cap at her.

'A pleasure to meet you sweetheart,' he charmed. Jen smirked as her daughter turned red.

'Pacey - still the same effect on women!' she teased pulling him into a tight hug.

'Not you of course,' he teased back.

'Nah… I have better taste and a charm detector,' she ran a hand over the very fine lines that had snuck up at the corner of his eyes.

'Amy is yours?' he smirked at her knowing the answer.

'This is my little girl,' Jen tweaked a pigtail.

'Wow,' Pacey couldn't believe it. 'She's gorgeous just like her mom!'

'What are you doing back and where the hell have you been?' Jen wasted no time in getting down to business. If Joey couldn't talk to Pacey without doing him then Jen would have to get the information.

'Around…'

'Around?' she arched a cynical brow.

'Around most of the world I guess.'

'Doing what?' Jen wasn't impressed.

'I became a doctor in the UK first of all… they allowed me to finish my training…'

'Oh,' only slightly impressed.

'Then I worked for a year before travelling around… just looking at the world I guess… I did some work in various places, as a volunteer before joining the WHO. Been in Africa the last couple of years, mostly Nigeria but Cote d'ivoire, Niger, Botswana, Ghana, Sudan… all over really,' Pacey tugged his hat on firmer. He didn't like telling people what he'd been doing.

'Oh,' Jen was more impressed than she wanted to be. 'Well I'm glad you're back you big lug,' she hugged him again.

'So…' he shifted from foot to foot, 'Joey Potter…'

'Real subtle Pace,' Jen rolled her eyes.

'I wasn't striving for subtle,' Paced grinned. 'She's pretty gorgeous.'

'Yeah,' Jen nodded.

'Is she single?'

'You didn't worry about that last night did you?' Jen told him off watching Amy as she balanced on the wooden edge of a box surrounding a tree. Pacey shrugged sheepishly. 'She's been seeing a guy for a couple of months,' Jen admitted.

'Uh-huh,' Pacey didn't seem perturbed.

'He's nice,' Jen added.

'I'm nicer,' Pacey smiled easily.

* * *

Pacey's eyes scanned the water as he waited for Jen to return from the washroom.

'How do you know my mom?' Amy asked.

'We were at school together. We're friends.'

'Do you know my dad?' she asked.

'I can't say I do. Who's your dad?'

'I don't know my dad,' Amy didn't seem to care. 'My friend Holly doesn't know her dad either so it's ok.'

'Dad's aren't always worth knowing,' Pacey confirmed.

'That's what my mom says. She said that if my dad knew me he'd love me and that's what matters.'

'Right you are little miss,' Pacey agreed whilst absentmindedly flipping his beer mat and catching it, enchanting Amy.

'What are you two chatting about?' Jen asked sitting back down at the table.

'Dad's,' Amy announced.

'Oh,' Jen looked worried but Pacey reassured her with a little shake of his head.

'So how old is Amy?'

'I'm four and a half,' Amy announced.

'Wow… so you must have been pregnant when I left?' Pacey asked.

'Yeah,' Jen sighed thinking back, 'and in denial. He didn't want to know,' she mouthed the latter over Amy's head.

'Jerk,' Pacey mouthed back. 'So what you been doing with motherhood? With 5 years?'

'Lots. I was in New York for a while, but after Amy came along I decided to move back here - better friends. Jack was here teaching and Joey had come back from New York a couple of months before. Joey and I bought my Gram's old house and we started a business together.'

'I thought Joey lived at the B&B?' Pacey asked feigning disinterest. Jen knew better.

'No… she was helping Bessie and Bodie out last night. They had a parent's consultation at Alex's school. Buying together seemed to be the only way to get a place. We have separate spaces but Joey and I just get on. We understand each other.'

'Not too much working together and living together?' Pacey asked.

'With anyone else I'd say yes, but Joey and I - no,' Jen shook her head, 'We don't have to work all that often - the business is a success and we kind of just oversee things. We have a laugh when we work in the office together and at home… I guess we're like family.'

'What's this business?' Pacey was intrigued.

'It was Joey's idea… after Amy. We decided we needed a place to go. Somewhere where children could play, parents could talk, have a coffee, get information… so we opened up _Come and Play_. It's a coffee shop but there's a space for babies and toddlers to play. It's simple play - we have story tellers, do puppet shows - they're Joey's specialty believe it or not but mostly it's lego, rattles, ride on toys that kind of thing. We even run something called the _Green baby_ \- it helps parents know how to be green when they have children. Through it there's a nappy service to promote the use of real nappies, breastfeeding support to help avoid formulae, and the equipment exchange so that you can get stuff second-hand and avoid the gluttonous consumerism associated with children. I mean the stuff is nice but it's eco friendly,' Jen couldn't stop her enthusiasm showing.

'Wow… that sounds pretty cool,' his sincerity was obvious.

'I know we've not been off saving the world but it's a little something in our own backyard,' she shrugged.

'Don't be so modest. It sounds awesome. I can't wait to see this place. Is it near by?' Pacey pushed a napkin across to Amy who was in need after her melted ice cream. Jen didn't miss the gesture.

'It's a block away, on Water Street.'

'Shall we head there now?' Pacey asked looking the epitome of laid back, with his legs stretched out in front of him, his cap pulled on his head and his bronzed skin glinting in the sun.

'Now?' Jen seemed taken aback.

'Yeah now… unless you and Amy have other plans? You busy little miss?'

'No,' Amy giggled.

'You wanna show me where mommy works?' he winked at her.

'Sure,' and Amy stood up, took Pacey's hand and led the way despite her mom's reservations. Jen stood up and followed unable to stop herself marvelling at the perfect pertness of his butt.

* * *

There was no way Pacey could deny the success of Jen and Joey's business. The place was heaving at 6pm on a week night. Jen explained that they offered an early dinner for parents that wanted a night out. The children were either sitting at the table with their parents or listening to Joey read a story. Pacey smiled widely at the sight of her.

'She doesn't need to do it but she enjoys it,' Jen explained although she realised she'd lost Pacey who had headed over to the story area as if in a trance. Like a boy of 5 he sat down cross legged at the back and listened to Joey tell some story about children who found a rocket in their back yard, her voice lilting like poetry. He grinned leaning back on his arms watching as Amy sat down right next to Joey, Jen turning and chatting to people eating.

It was about ten minutes and a new story later that Pacey noticed the little girl sat by herself, somewhere off to his right, in a little corner looking at a book and humming softly to herself. A pretty little imp of a thing. Tiny with dark hair held back by a clip. A look of absolute concentration on her cute as a button face. Pacey felt his heart go out to her, remembering himself as a kid and how he always used to feel on the outside. Granted it was normally with his family that he felt like an outsider but he could easily relate to the unease and the need to hide away.

'Hey sweetie,' he shuffled over to her but she didn't look up. 'What you reading?'

'Pace,' Jen tapped him on the shoulder and he looked at her,

'I wasn't…' he began but Jen interrupted,

'It's ok Pace… I was just going to say that Holly is deaf. She signs,' Jen smiled at him.

'Oh, ok,' Pacey nodded and unperturbed turned back to the impossibly cute little girl with soft dark hair, combat trousers and a pink t-shirt. He tapped her shoulder and waved. Smiling, Holly waved back.

'You ok?' Pacey asked pointing at her and then making an ok with his fingers. The girl nodded and pointed at her book.

'A frog?' Pacey asked looking at the picture. The girl nodded and made a sign. Pacey repeated the sign and said 'frog,' again. Holly nodded smiling. Pacey settled back to enjoy going through the book with Holly. Occasionally his eyes flitted to Joey, whose eyes, he noted, flitted to him. And they were beautiful eyes. Eyes that made him want to take her to bed again and again. Eyes that made him wonder why he ever left for five years. Of course, five years ago he'd not felt like that. Five years earlier Joey and Dawson had been entrenched in their love affair. If you could call watching films on a Friday night, never making it past second base and being buddies a love affair. It didn't matter what he, Jack and Jen called it, the point was to Joey and Dawson it was a love affair. They'd dated at 15 then broken up a month later. Dated at 18 then broken up a month later. Then dated at 23, just before Pacey decided to leave, and of course they'd broken up a month later - of course it didn't matter how long they were and weren't together. With Dawson everything was so inflated. Joey was his soul mate. The soul mate Pacey slept with a couple of weeks before he left.

How had he and Joey ended up in bed? It was hard to come up with one solid reason, it was like the finale of years of sexual tension, finally breaking in one awesome night. He figured it was pretty much the same way he had ended up inside her twenty minutes after seeing her for the first time in 5 years. There'd always been a little something between he and Joey. They'd had a love hate relationship, a relationship full of banter, battles and the every now and then moments that scared them both. Pacey had known he was leaving when he'd slept with Joey. Knowing he was going probably gave him the push to do what he wouldn't admit he'd always wanted to - make a move on the best girl in the world. Joey hadn't known he was leaving. No one had. Pacey had applied to go to Oxford as an intern without telling anyone and when he was accepted he was so certain it would all fall through he'd kept it to himself. He let his friends know the night before he left, and though he sent the odd postcard, things had taken off and the postcards were sent to his family when he got the chance, when he found a post office, if he found a post office. He didn't call because his parents and he had been in a very distant place.

Pacey would have kept more in touch, but after the night he spent with Joey, that one amazing night, things kind of exploded. She'd withdrawn - _typical Joey Potte_ r, and felt the need to tell Dawson despite not being with him - typical Joey Potter, and had blamed Pacey- _typical Joey Potter_ , and had asked for time before pegging it back to Boston - _typical Joey Potter_. He'd seen her at his leaving party - the fact that he was leaving had really pissed her off. She wouldn't even talk to him and that was it. She'd received more post cards than anyone but… Pacey was surprised she didn't beat on him the moment she saw him again.

He'd thought about her. More than he liked to admit. Despite seeing women from all over the world no one had quite shaken her from his mind. When time fell quiet his mind would turn to her, the way she looked in the moonlight, the feel of her skin, the way she bit her bottom lip, the way she'd put him in his place… goddamn every little thing about her.

Pacey copied Holly's sign for tree and looked at Joey again. She was looking at him so he smiled and she smiled, the nervous smile of hers before turning back to the story - the last story she was telling before they shut up for the night.

'Sorry to interrupt,' Jen was bent down next to Pacey and Holly. Pacey noticed she signed at the same time as talking.

'Jen, how do I sign my name's Pacey?' he asked.

'I'll do it for you,' Jen sighed a deep sigh that Pacey didn't understand before signing to Holly. Holly looked at Pacey quizzically as Jen signed then responded triggering another response from Jen. 'So, Holly sweetie, come and have some dinner with Amy. We need to talk to your mommy. I know it's late but we'll get you home soon,' Jen ruffled the girls dark hair. Holly smiled and signed back before rushing over to Amy at a table with a bowl of pasta on it. She hoisted herself up into the chair and signed something to Amy who giggled and signed back, looking over her shoulder at Pacey.

'Amy can sign?' Pacey asked casually.

'They're best friends,' Jen explained simply. 'Come and have some dinner,' she told him.

'Joey joining us?' he asked with a sly grin.

'Yeah,' Jen rolled her eyes and sighed.

'Sure.'

Pacey was half way through his delicious bowl of pasta when Joey appeared at the table, she kissed Amy on the head, then Holly before sitting down opposite the latter and next to Pacey. Pacey watched Jen and Joey fall into a signing conversation which confused him as Holly was talking to Amy.

'Hello Witter,' she murmured a few minutes later without looking at him before signing at Holly.

'You're a pretty fantastic story teller Potter,' he winked at her, casually brushing his finger along the side of her hand. Joey moved her hand faster than lightening.

'I see you met my daughter Holly,' Joey stated rather abruptly just as Pacey took a mouthful of water. He began to choke in a rather undignified manner.

'I'm sorry your what?' that was the last thing he'd expected.

'My daughter Holly,' Joey gestured at the dark haired imp, that gave him a large smile.

'Yeah… yeah I met her,' Pacey attempted a recovery. 'A little cutie,' he offered lamely.

'Isn't she,' Joey responded signing something at Holly and making her giggle.

'So… um… how um old is Holly?' Pacey coughed out the question.

'Four and a half. Born two months before Amy,' Joey rolled her eyes. He was clearly doing math. She watched him breathe a sigh of relief. Pacey was relieved, but also surprisingly a little disappointed that the math didn't add up. That disappointment, however, was something he didn't want to deal with. The little imp that was Joey's daughter was something he couldn't avoid dealing with especially when it didn't dampen his desire to touch Joey, talk to her and generally be in her vicinity. Pacey was surprised at the strength of his attraction to her. They'd been friends for most of their lives and he'd had a thing for her for most of his life but he'd been away five years. A lot could happen in five years. Heck - Joey had a daughter. Jen had a daughter. And if his family were to be believed Jack McPhee had yanked his brother out of the closet. He'd seen the world. He was a doctor. He'd seen people with their legs blown off, watched children die, seen people die of starvation and yet something hadn't changed - he'd come home after five years and he still had a thing for her. But he was older now. More confident. And he didn't give a shit about Dawson.

'She's just the cutest thing,' Pacey grinned at Holly. 'She and Amy,' he turned his charming smile on Jen.

'Charmer,' she muttered ignoring the rise in temperature his smile could cause. She was beginning to see how Joey could end up sleeping with him after 20 minutes. 'Amy, come with mommy and say goodbye to Sophie,' Jen nodded at one of the waitresses.

'I can't believe you have a daughter,' Pacey murmured as Jen retreated. He watched Joey sign. 'What are you telling her?' Pacey asked.

'I sign everything we say. Just because she can't hear doesn't mean she doesn't have a right to know what's being said same as any other kid,' Joey shrugged.

'So last night…' Pacey began with a twinkle in his eye. Joey abruptly stopped signing as he leaned close and whispered, 'I'd almost forgotten how amazing you are… _almost_ …'

'Pacey,' Joey broke eye contact with him, her tone chastising.

'Joey,' he matched her tone.

'I need to get Holly home…'

'Can I take you out later? We'll go for a drink and a game of pool. If Jen doesn't mind.'

'Like a date?' Joey frowned. She was signing again.

'Yeah a date,' Pacey touched her hand fleetingly. 'I want to talk properly.' Joey hesitated for a long moment,

'Sure.'

* * *

The bar was busy for a Wednesday night. Joey hadn't been out for so long and she wouldn't normally have come to the side ally bar but Pacey walked in there as if he'd been going there his whole life. Once inside she was surprised to find herself loving the atmosphere, enjoying her beer and being thrashed at pool by Pacey.

'Did you actually spend any time doctoring in the last five years or did you just play pool?' she teased. Pacey tweaked his cap and gave her a wink before potting his next ball without even looking.

'Sometimes I needed to chill out. Some of the things I saw… some of the things I had to do… you had to find something to calm your mind down. I played cards, I played backgammon and whenever I could find a pool table I played pool.'

'What sort of things did you see?' Joey impulsively put a hand to his chest touching the hard pectoral muscle before withdrawing it.

'I saw cruelty… I saw what one human will do to another because they disagree. I saw little kids so hungry they couldn't barely move… I… I… god Jo, you don't want to know what I saw…'

'But you helped them,' Joey said gently.

'I tried,' he explained honestly.

'I can't believe all the things you've done,' Joey said. 'I mean, you really showed them…'

'Them?'

'Those jerks that used to drive you so mad in high school. Your family… everyone…'

'That's not why I did it,' Pacey stepped closer to her.

'I know, but it is a happy coincidence,' Joey teased.

'It wasn't what I expected.'

'What wasn't?' Joey felt shy, a crazy feeling with someone she'd known forever.

'All of it. Becoming a doctor, being a doctor, travelling the world, coming home, seeing you…'

'What did you expect when you saw me?' Joey couldn't help but ask.

'Well I didn't expect to be having sex with you twenty minutes after setting eyes on you again,' he gave a chuckle.

'I guess not…'

'And I didn't expect to want to be around you so much…'

'Oh,' Joey didn't know what to say to that.

'And I didn't expect five years to have no impact on the massive thing I had on you growing up.'

'You had a thing for me growing up?' she blushed.

'Come on - you know I did,' he touched his finger to hers.

'I didn't… I mean we fought all the time.'

'Joey I made a move on you in tenth grade, I made a move on you senior year and I made a move on you two weeks before I was due to leave…'

'Why did you do that again?' Joey asked flushing.

'Make a move on you?' Pacey frowned.

'No… leave…' Joey badly wanted to kiss him.

'There was nothing to stay for,' Pacey shrugged. He wasn't going to pretend. 'And it was something I needed to do for myself. It's funny, I was driven away because I cared so much about what people thought of me and now I've come back I realise it's only important that I'm a good person. People will think what they want.'

'You've always been a good person,' Joey told him.

'But I didn't always know it,' he grinned and nudged his finger against hers, a casual yet obvious gesture. 'So tell me about you. You've been coy so far.'

'I'm not sure what's to tell Pace. I had a baby. A gorgeous little girl and yeah I've got about a million stories about that but they're not much compared to all you've been doing.'

'But I still want to hear them.'

It was surprisingly easy to fall back into the banter, the back and forth that had so patented their relationship growing up. Only now it was more exciting, underlined as it was by a sexual chemistry that neither could deny. Pacey laughed at the stories Joey told and the more he laughed the more funny she became. The more funny she became the more Pacey wanted to kiss her and he wasn't one to hold back anymore. Leaning across he kissed her and then kissed her more until they were ducking out of the bar and taking a taxi to the Potter B&B even though it was only a fifteen minute walk.

* * *

Joey took a deep breath inhaling Pacey's delicious scent for one more moment before attempting to slide out of bed.

'Where are you off to?' Pacey raised a rumpled head and looked at her with big blue eyes.

'How on earth did that wake you up?' Joey grumbled.

'I'm a doctor - we have to go from sleep to awake in less than 30 seconds, now stop avoiding…'

'I want to get home before Holly is up. She doesn't need to know her mom's a dirty stop out,' Joey snuck back into bed curling into Pacey, who welcomed her with sexy little kisses. 'Pacey… bad idea…' she pushed him away. 'I need to get home.'

'I'll let you go if we can meet up later… for dinner? I got breakfast with Jack and Doug but I want to see you…'

'I can't do tonight. Jen is out so I'm with the kids.'

'Can I come over and help?' Pacey pulled her against him letting her know just how much he wanted her to stay. Joey considered for a moment,

'Ok,' she nodded before tearing herself from him.

* * *

'And what time do you call this?' Jen was sat at the breakfast table and tapped her watch pointedly as Joey tried to creep in.

'I'm sorry,' was all Joey could muster.

'You can't stop having sex with him can you?' Jen tutted. Joey blushed, 'not that I can blame you,' Jen continued.

'What is it about him?' Joey seemed relieved.

'He was always sexy but now he's just so damn… irresistible. I don't know whether it's the clothes, the world traveller look, the fact that he's a doctor, the fact that he's Pacey… but my god, he's just…' Jen trailed off and Joey's arched brows.

'You sound pretty taken yourself,' she smirked.

'Just appreciating some fine attributes.' Jen closed her eyes briefly. 'You know what it is?' she said suddenly. Joey shook her head. 'When he left he was a boy and to sound cliché and a bit cheesy, he's a man now, and a drop dead gorgeous one at that.'

'I don't know what to do,' Joey sank into the chair next to Jen.

'You haven't told him?' Jen squinted sympathetically.

'Nope.'

'Tell him.'

'When?'

'As soon as possible. Before someone else does. Imagine he runs into Dawson,' Jen scowled and Joey frowned.

'Don't scare me,' she muttered before picking up the phone and grabbing Pacey's number scrawled on a piece of paper in her pocket. She waited but it clicked through to answerphone so she left him a message inviting him to lunch at a new little restaurant on the water front. About twenty minutes later, when she was dressing her daughter she got a text " _see you there_."

'I want to stay with mommy,' Holly signed the words, mouthing them and pouting.

'I've got to do something important,' Joey explained.

'Why can't I come?'

'It'll be boring. You'll have far more fun at the beech with Aunty Jen and Amy. I promise to come and join you as soon as I can,' she kissed the little girls cheek.

'Can I have an ice cream?' Holly asked hopefully.

'Maybe,' Joey smiled before smothering her in kisses and heading off for the water front Jen calling good luck as the door slammed shut.

* * *

He was already waiting when she got there. He was drinking a glass of water and had on the surprisingly sexy cap, with an old t-shirt and some board shorts. He looked sensational.

'Hey gorgeous girl,' he stood and kissed her cheek when she arrived, pulling out a chair for her to sit on. 'Couldn't wait till later?' he asked but Joey just smiled at him awkwardly. 'This place is cute. Capeside hasn't changed all that much but it's changed enough…'

'Maybe you've changed,' Joey croaked.

'She speaks,' he teased.

'Holly is your daughter. I don't mean to blurt it out but I can't believe you couldn't tell immediately. She has your blue eyes and she's cheeky like you and just so like you. I know the dates don't work… that's what you're thinking,' Joey looked at his blank expression. 'But you're a doctor. Things don't always go smoothly. She was early. Like 11 weeks early. I meant to tell you straight away if I ever saw you again but sometimes things are easier in your imagination. And Holly is a person now, an individual. You don't have to be part of her life but I hope you want to be for your sake because she is just the most gorgeous girl…' Joey trailed off. Pacey was staring at her, his expression impossible to read. For a long while neither said a word and then Pacey coughed uncomfortably,

'You must have been really, really pissed at me,' he frowned. 'I mean… god… you were all alone… and young and…. Did my parents know?' Pacey took her hand and kissed it.

'Yeah they knew and eventually… eventually believed me. But when you called the lines were so bad and they knew I wanted to tell you and you never called me. Your postcards never had addresses and we didn't always know what you were doing these last few years,' she shrugged.

'But you were pissed?' he asked feeling deep down that there aught to be some anger there somewhere.

'No. I have Holly,' Joey explained simply.

'Does Holly know?' Pacey gaped.

'Yes.'

'You told her but not me?' Pacey frowned feeling anger bubble from his surprise.

'She's always known who her father is - she had the right to know what an amazing man her dad is. She's seen old photographs, lots of them and she knows her dad's name is Pacey Witter. You introduced yourself or you got Jen to.'

'Oh,' the anger drained away. 'I wasn't expecting this.'

'I know and I'm sorry. I didn't want to tell you like this but I didn't really know how to tell you. I certainly didn't want you running into Dawson and have him telling you with a typical Dawson slant.'

'We did it just that once,' Pacey shook his head. 'I thought we were careful?'

'We were drunk,' Joey rolled her eyes. 'And you know full well it was more than once.'

'Wow,' Pacey let out a deep breath. 'Her deafness… was that due to her premature birth?' he asked at length.

'Not exactly,' Joey shifted away from him subconsciously.

'Then what?'

'It's complicated.'

'You talk about rights - I do have a right to know,' Pacey frowned, the anger bubbling up again.

'Yeah you do. But I don't even know how long you're going to be in town, let alone how involved you want to be, whether to let you get to know her, or whether it's a mistake because you'll announce you're leaving in 2 weeks and then she'll be heartbroken. And god, I don't know what to do because you and I can't seem to keep our hands off one another,' she gestured between them where Pacey was surprised to see his hands wrapped around hers yet again. 'I mean if it was just you and me - well I can look after myself but Holly… I'm very protective over Holly.'

'What would you like to have happen?' Pacey asked her.

'What would you?' Joey countered not quite ready to put all her cards on the table.

'I'll stay. I was thinking of going to Pakistan with the WHO in a month but I'd rather stay. Holly is more important. I can get some work at the hospital, in Boston if necessary.'

'When you say you'll stay…' Joey didn't want to push.

'I don't know how long for,' he replied looking down. He didn't know he'd be making a decision between Joey and his love of travelling. And even further from consideration was the thought that he might be choosing between his daughter and the world he wanted to help. It wasn't that there was really a competition - Pacey had always wanted a family and to have a daughter with Joey Potter his all time crush… the greatest girl he'd ever known, well that couldn't be so bad. It was simply that in ten seconds he'd gone from being a single guy to a father. It was easy to chill out and see where things went with Joey - no pressure. He couldn't, however, just chill out and see what happened with Holly - it wouldn't be fair.

'I've got to go,' Joey looked at her watch.

'You're telling me that and then leaving?' Pacey seemed startled.

'I promised Holly I'd meet her, Jen and Amy down at the beech.'

'Can I come?' Pacey asked after a beat.

'Sure,' Joey also waited a beat before responding. They stood and walked in an awkward silence towards the car.

'So….' Pacey tapped the steering wheel as he and Joey drove to the beech.

'Hmmm… so,' Joey agreed.

'Why are you so quiet?' Pacey asked eventually.

'Why are you so quiet?' Joey asked back.

'I asked first.'

'And I chose not to answer,' Joey smirked.

'Are you mad at me?' Pacey looked at her momentarily before facing the road again.

'Are you mad at me?' Joey countered.

'Stop answering every question with a question,' Pacey huffed.

'I'm pretty sure you're mad at me. I land all this on you. You have no idea you're a dad and then poof suddenly a little girl is all yours.'

'I'm not mad at you…' Pacey attempted.

'I can tell there's a but…' she scowled.

'But I am mad at myself. I'm such a jerk. If I hadn't got so swept up in everything and had tried harder to stay in touch. I just didn't want to deal with anything… I just wanted to do what I was doing. I mean, what the fuck was I doing? I leave you here pregnant and alone. Man…I thought I'd stopped being a screw-up…'

'Let me set one thing straight here Pacey,' Joey pulled over and he knew he was in trouble, 'I don't ever want to hear you call yourself a screw-up when it comes to Holly. Holly is 100% the best thing that ever happened to me. And I thank you every day for giving her to me,' she leant across and kissed him on the cheek. Pacey couldn't help but tangle a hand in her hair and brush his lips to hers until they were embroiled in a very enthusiastic make out session at the side of the road. They were broken apart by a tapping at the window. Pacey opened his eyes to see the official and very serious glare of his brother.

'Well, well, well, what do we have here?' Doug teased flipping open his ticket book.

'Oh come on Dougy, you're not gonna write us a ticket? Surely you and Jackers get carried away…'

'Come on Doug,' Joey battered her lashes, 'I just told Pacey about Holly and we.. um… I …'

'You told him everything?' Doug asked pointedly. Pacey didn't miss this shift in Joey's demeanour or the way she neglected to answer.

'Ok, I'll let you guys off this one time. But a little food for thought, you guys messing around might seem fun until Holly gets wind of it. You've been back two days, so chill it out Pace,' Doug wrote something on his pad, tore it off and handed it to Joey. Both she and Pacey read the words at the same time, "TELL HIM." By the time they looked up again Doug was gone.

'Tell me what?' Pacey leant back in his seat appraising Joey as she started the car and finished the journey to the beach.

'Look Pace… it's nothing. I don't know what he's talking about. Lets just go see Holly and worry about her,' Joey stuttered her way through the sentence and Pacey fell into a stony silence.

* * *

Joey pulled into a space and got out to pay for parking whilst Pacey sat in the car. Looking at him she could tell he was in deep thought, and brooding. He was sexy when he brooded that much she remembered. Finally he got out of the car. She locked it and they stood opposite each other for a few moments. Looking at his face she could see the questions, the disbelief, the shock and it made her feel ill, so she sought out the best comfort she knew and reached for his hand. Rather abruptly he pulled it from her,

'Look Jo, I don't mean to be harsh but Dougy got me thinking. Whatever this is between you and me, well we need to be the grown ups and resist. Holly is most important and how can she accept me as a dad if she is looking at me as your… lover?' he offered up the speech, looking her in the eyes. She hoped he didn't see her heart crumple. He'd only been back two days. Two days and her heart was already twisted round his. She knew why.

'Um… sure… sounds like a good plan,' she nodded and turned, leading the way to the part of the beach where she and Jen always went. They walked through the rushes and down the path through the dune. They were less than a metre apart but there was miles between them. Watching them approach Jen knew immediately that something was very wrong but she watched Joey pull herself together and smile genuinely at her daughter. Holly ran into her arms then looked at Pacey and signed.

'It's him again,' Joey said and it took Pacey a few seconds to realise Joey was translating for Holly. 'You know who he is don't you?' she asked and Holly nodded. 'And you remember what we talked about last night?' again Holly nodded.

'I'm sorry I haven't been around little miss,' Pacey said softly and Joey signed for him. Holly shrugged and signed as Joey translated,

'You're here now and my mommy likes you. She said you were nice. And you've made her laugh and I like it when she laughs,' she eyed him warily. 'Can you build sandcastles?'

'I can build sand palaces miss,' Pacey grinned engagingly and looked at Joey who smiled encouragingly despite her own heart ache.

'Will you build one with me?' Holly asked, Joey speaking the words and she could see her daughters unease and the excitement beneath it.

'I'd love to,' Pacey grinned and took her small hand in his, the most delicious feeling of his entire life.

* * *

'What happened?' Jen asked flopping down beside Joey as Pacey played with Holly and Amy, clearly delighted at the opportunity he had been given and in awe of the little imp who treated sand castle building like a college final.

'Um… well I told him about Holly but I couldn't manage the rest,' Joey sighed. 'Um Doug caught us making out at the side of the road,' she smiled faintly, 'warned us to be careful of Holly, and he's right. I mean what am I thinking?' Joey shook her head.

'You're thinking you have a right to be happy.'

'But how do I know Pacey will make me happy?'

'You don't know Jo. He either does or he doesn't and he does. You know that.'

'Doug gave me a ticket - it said in big letters "Tell him." He knows I'm withholding. You know Pacey. I think he decided that if I can't be honest, and with Holly involved it would be better to keep things simple. And you know Jen, who knows when he's leaving? Who knows what his commitment will be to Holly, or me… or anything.'

'Joey, you know I love you right?' Jen put an arm around her friend, Joey nodded fighting back tears. She knew what Jen would say. 'I think that you have no choice but to tell him everything and to do it now.'

'Ok,' Joey brushed the tears aside vigorously as Pacey ran up. He looked at Joey for a long moment.

'What does this mean?' he asked copying a sign that Holly had been making.

'It means daddy,' Joey told him watching the smile on his face as he ran back to his daughter.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi,**

 **Thanks so much for the positive feedback! You know I love it:-)**

 **This was only ever a one parter but I've added a little - hopefully this works ok spfan09? I hope you enjoy it. Please let me know. The next one I'm considering posting would require a lot more effort lol and there is a direct link for me between reviews and output!**

 **Tab x**

 **p.s. Remember this involves character death.**

 **Five years part 2**

'That was fun,' Pacey smiled at Joey as Holly dozed in the back seat.

'It was great to see you together. You know it's not always easy with her… she can, well she can tantrum with the best of the little madams, but it's all worth it.'

'You don't need to tell me that Jo. She's my daughter - I'll take the good with the bad until the day I die,' he knew she was sad. It was obvious, but he had a new calling in life and it was the small person in the backseat. Perhaps her mother too, if he were being honest with himself.

'Um… do you still want to come over this evening?' she asked with difficulty. He looked at her confused, wondering what she had missed in their earlier conversation about cooling things. Whatever his feelings for Joey, Holly had to come first, and that meant taking things slowly and honesty. Apparently Joey wasn't being honest with m and it irked him.

'And hang with Holly?' Pacey looked over his shoulder at the beautiful girl.

'Ummm well she'll be in bed… but I think we need to talk about a few things asap.'

'I guess we do,' Pacey nodded and reaching over ran a finger over her lips. He wasn't sure what made him do it. They looked plump and expectant and fragile. 'I'll see you tonight,' he leant over and kissed her cheek before jumping out.

'8 is great,' Joey called out.

Holly and Amy were bathed, their stories done and they were both in bed fast asleep. Jen had left for her date in a flurry of perfume and heels. Joey looked at herself in the mirror and panicked. Her hair was held in a loose bun, tendrils flying onto her face. Her shorts were soaked after a rather splashy bath with the two girls. Her top was an old hockey shirt Pacey had worn the night they made Holly. She had told him she would return it, she never had preferring to keep it as her "at home" top. She realised pretty quick she needed to do something but there was a knock at the door.

'Crap,' she muttered looking at her watch - 7.35 - trust Pacey to be early. Cursing under her breath she answered the door and smiled.

'Hey,' he was leaning against the door frame, hands in the pockets of his shorts, the most gorgeous man she had ever seen.

'You're early,' she announced and he laughed wondering if she had deliberately made herself irresistible.

'I need to change,' she told him putting a hand to her wet shorts.

'You shouldn't,' his eyes surveyed her from head to toe and her cheeks reddened under his appreciative stare.

'My shorts are wet,' she muttered.

'Your top is mine,' he held out a hand as if expecting it.

'I'm not taking it off here,' she mumbled her broken heart still scrabbling in her chest.

'Do you know how long I looked for that?'

'Couldn't remember where you misplaced it hmm?' she asked feeling hurt soar through the scar in her heart.

'Oh I remember little girl,' his voice lowered and he wanted her despite his protests. 'You said you'd return it, in fact you told me you'd left it in a bag in the hall at my leaving party…'

'It's mine now,' Joey stated haughtily.

'I didn't give it to you,' Pacey had no idea why he was pushing it except for the words "Tell him" that kept scrolling through his mind in Dougs handwriting.

'You know what Pacey - you have your damn top,' Joey ripped the garment from her thin frame, exposing her bra and causing Pacey to gape. 'I don't want the damn thing anymore. Who cares what meaning it's had for me for the last five years. It's got a hole in it anyway. You have the damn thing,' she turned and stalked off to her room so she could put something else on. Despite her plan earlier in the evening to dress pretty she pulled off her shorts and pulled on a pair of sweat pants and a hoody instead, adding a head band to her hair to keep the wisps from her eyes, then to make a point she put on her glasses, then stalked out of her room and into the kitchen where she found Pacey clearing up after dinner.

'You don't need to do that,' she muttered.

'I don't mind,' he looked at her out of the corner of his eye. She was clearly trying to make a point with her scruffy clothes but she just kept getting more and more irresistible and more and more gorgeous. 'I didn't know you wear glasses.'

'Well five years of book reading change your eyes - it changes a lot of things.'

'You're mad at me,' he stated leaning nonchalantly against the counter.

'Mad at you? Why would I be mad at you?' she slammed the dishwasher closed.

'Good question. Maybe because you want me to kiss you,' he reached a hand over and slipped his thumb under the rim of her glasses and onto her temple. For several moments they remained like that until Joey pushed him away.

'Yeah ok, you got me. I am mad that you don't want to kiss me anymore. I totally get it but it was nice. You and me, being together felt good and it felt right. I'm also mad… just mad… just so mad,' she pushed her hands under her glasses and forced back the tears.

'Joey,' Pacey took a step toward her, 'Jo,' he pulled her against his chest wrapping her tightly in his arms.

 _ **Five Years Earlier...**_

Something was different about Pacey but Joey couldn't put her finger on what. He seemed to have let go in some way. He was relaxed and happy. Really, really happy. He'd just finished his 5th year of medicine in Boston and he seemed like he was enjoying the summer. He'd been pretty chilled for the vacation but something had happened because he was suddenly lighter and happier than Joey had ever seen him, even than when he got accepted to study medicine.

The party was Dawson's idea. The party hater wanted to celebrate the end of the vacation. He'd invited loads of kids, kids they hadn't even been friends with back in high school. Joey couldn't say she was sorry about the numbers - they hid her from Dawson and her stupid decision to give it ago. She didn't know what she'd been thinking - summer had made her nostalgic and despite hanging out with Pacey more than Dawson she'd been persuaded by the latter to give it another go. But she hadn't wanted to and it had predictably ended rather quickly.

Pacey was looking at her again across the circle around the fire. He'd been looking at her all evening and her skin was glowing from the attention. With Dawson she'd have been pissed, with Pacey she was flattered, turned on. He did something to her no one else seemed able to. He made her want to break the years of normality and just be herself not who everyone expected her to be.

'He's looking again,' Jen announced helpfully.

'I know.'

'Go for a walk - I'll bet he follows,' Jen added.

'I'm not going to do that…' Joey muttered unconvincingly. At the end of the day she was going to do as Jen suggested, not because she'd drunk five tequila shots and several Malibu and cokes, but because she'd always been intrigued about Pacey. They'd argued until they were blue in the face, bantered, been close and then drifted away but there'd always been something underlying, something electric and different and interesting and inescapable.

'Fine,' she murmured and stood up brushing off her skirt without looking over at Pacey.

'Go to my room, Grams is away, I'll stay here tonight,' Jen whispered without looking at her somehow knowing what was going to happen even if Joey hadn't fully accepted it. It took her only a few moments to make her way to Jens slipping in the open front door. She paused in the entrance not sure what to do before heading up to Jen's room. It was only a couple of minutes later that there was a soft knock at the door letting her know he was there. She turned and looked at Pacey as he approached her not stopping until he was right in front of her, big, strong and enigmatic as he'd always been.

'You following me?' she asked as she looked up to catch his eye.

'Yeah,' he nodded simply.

'Why?' she could almost feel his fingers on hers.

'Why do you think?' he smiled and let his fingers slip between hers.

'Pacey…' she didn't know what she was trying to say.

'You know I've always wanted you,' he shrugged adorably and reached a hand toward her mouth before covering it with his own causing her to moan involuntarily and press herself as close to him was as humanly possible. 'Always liked you…' he whispered between kisses, 'needed you…'

'Pacey,' again with his name as she urged his naked skin to connect with hers as they somehow, unknowingly removed the barriers between themselves so desperate was the need to connect.

It was only moments before they were lying on Jen's bed, his hand travelling every concourse of her body until at her insistence he was over her, in her, moving, kissing, caressing, loving, making every atom come to life and explode so forcefully she felt they were fused. Until they were fused, until they lay sated but unmoving, his body in hers. She turned her head slightly after several minutes and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek, then to his other cheek, then his forehead, his eyes, his nose and his mouth. Leaning on his elbow so he could look at her, very aware that he was still inside her he gazed in adoration.

'I wish I'd done that months ago, years ago…' he murmured. She couldn't seem to speak and so she nodded, lowering her eyes in sheer disbelief at the comfort it gave her to have him so close. Her eyes widened as he filled her again, a slightly sheepish smile on his face. 'You're gorgeous,' he said by way of explanation, but she silenced him with a kiss marvelling at the miracle of him inside her.

The next morning she awoke with a blurry head and the warmth of Pacey's chest against her cheek.

'Hey beautiful,' he whispered as her eyes fluttered open. Embarrassment flooded her. She'd never slept with anyone, never had someone kiss her _there_ , never shouted someone's name so loudly she feared the next door neighbours would hear, never wanted someone so much she could scarcely breathe. But this was Pacey, Pacey holding her naked body, the body she really wasn't sure of, Pacey with whom she'd always had an up and down relationship, Pacey who was Dawson's best friend and whilst Dawson tended to piss her off nowadays he'd been her best friend whilst Pacey had been… had been what? She was no longer sure.

And so Joey had done what she'd always done. Borrowing Pacey's hockey shirt leaving him looking undeniably sexy in his vest she'd parted from him and gone to sit on the end of the dock, where Dawson had found her, and where she'd told Dawson what had happened. Not like Pacey always thought because of loyalty to Dawson but because of loyalty to Pacey and the night they'd spent together. So he knew she wasn't ashamed. Of course when Pacey found out Dawson knew, and boy did he find out, he'd assumed she was ashamed, was putting Dawson over him, or whatever, and so she'd got cross, shouted some abuse and left for Boston, only to return when Jen told her Pacey was leaving. She didn't even know she was pregnant but she couldn't speak to him, couldn't bare that he was leaving, that he'd taken her heart whether he'd done so an hour before, two weeks before, two years before, or even that first time they met in the sandbox in Kindergarten. But he was taking it. Despite the long drawn out romantic affair with Dawson it was Pacey who had had her all along.

 ** _Present day..._**

In two days her heart was entwined with his and it was no surprise - she was pretty sure her heart had always been entwined with his. She'd fallen in love with him when they spent the night together in Jen's room, the room she now lived in. Or at least she'd become aware of love that was already there and she'd thought it was two way. But then he was leaving - and he'd slept with her knowing he was leaving. She was hurt, mad, furious.

'Let's go sit down,' she told him pushing away from the warmth of his chest and heading for the lounge.

'I'm trying to do what's right…' Pacey began as they sat his hands somehow working their way to hers, his lips desperate for the feel of her skin under them. 'It's just so impossible with you, you just… you've always done it, sent my heart crazy, made me want you so much I can hardly see,' he pulled her closer. 'I was wrong earlier today Jo… I don't want to cool things, but I do want to do right by Holly. I also want to do right by you and right by me, and my gut is telling me that there's something between you and me that ain't going away…'

'Pacey stop,' Joey interrupted him unable to bare it any longer 'Please stop…'

'Ok…' he seemed uncertain. 'What's going on Jo?'

'You asked me about Holly's deafness. You've asked me about a lot of things. I need to tell you about what happened after you left…'

'Ok,' Pacey nodded, 'I'd like to know.'

'I did a pregnancy test about a week, maybe ten days after you were gone. I wasn't even sure where - you said England… I mean how vague is that? I confided in Jen - I knew she was pregnant at that point and we both spent some time berating our situation. Amy's dad had already buggered off and without you around I was all alone. Bessie was proper mad and of course only certain friends were supportive.'

'I'm sorry Jo… I'm so sorry… you must have been so mad and well…'

'Pacey, I'm not done… I'm afraid this gets a whole lot worse. I um… I had my appointment at the doctors a couple of weeks later, they did all the usual internals, scans, and blood tests.'

'And Holly was ok?'

'Holly was fine. I wasn't. I was sick Pace. Really, really sick. So sick they wanted me to abort the baby rather than risk getting her to a point when she could be born.'

'What was it?' he was pale under his tan and his voice was strained, his fingers fidgeted with hers, tugging her closer.

'It's obvious Pace. I had cancer. I had a secondary tumour on my ovary, the primary tumour was on my liver…'

'Your liver?' Pacey knew what it meant and was unable to stop the tears that pricked at his eyes.

'I was going to die. There is no conclusive evidence about the effects of chemo on an unborn baby. I had to have it Pace otherwise there would be no baby. They were amazed I was still alive, still functioning. It was funny, the diagnosis kind of brought on the symptoms. I was sick Pace. Really, really sick. It kind of got in the way of everything else, like telling your parents, searching for you, everything. We were all consumed by it. Jen, Jack, Bessie… and Holly kept me going. You kept me going. They needed to do more invasive treatment and so they delivered her at 29 weeks. It was do that or we'd both die. We were both in hospital. She was in special care and I was in surgery, then more chemo, more radiotherapy. I couldn't breastfeed, I could barely hold her, but I did. She was everything. I got better… but not really.'

'Don't say it…' Pacey was unable to stem the flow of tears.

'I'm dying Pace. And not in a year, or six months or even 3. Well three if I'm lucky and I don't think lucky is a word we associate with me anymore. Holly knows. She's always known I was sick, that unlike other mommy's I wouldn't be around forever… she was going to stay here with Jen… but you're her dad… if you want to… well you can be there… but do it gently. Here with Jen, Amy and me is all she's known… Amy is like a sister and Jen… a second mom…'

'I told you not to say it,' Pacey covered his eyes with his hands his body shaking. 'Please just… take it back or something…' he pulled her onto his lap, pulled at her until she was as close as he could get her. 'I want you… I want to fall in love with you, I want to remember that I'm already in love with you, that I've always been in love with you. I want to have all those moments Jo. I don't want this to be happening…it's not fair.'

'No Pace it's not,' Joey held his head in her arms, running her hands soothingly through his hair. 'None of it's fair but it's my lot, Holly's lot and now yours and I'm sorry.'

'Sorry?' Pacey looked up at her with wide eyes. 'You don't ever need to be sorry Jo. God… I'm such an idiot. I've wasted five years. Five years without you in it and now it's going to be a life time. I'm such an idiot and you…' Pacey hated that it took the truth to put the last twenty-eight years of his life into place, for him to see the truth of what Joey had always been, to understand why all roads led to her, why she was the one that stayed with him always. 'How long…'

'You don't want to know.'

'Joey….'

'About 8 weeks if nothing gives out. Things have started to go down hill. The cancer is everywhere - I've got liver failure, I'm loosing weight, loosing control. I keep fainting and the pain… well pain control is everything. I'm just trying to enjoy life now… prepare Holly but keep things normal. I'm kind of hoping it will be sudden, that I won't become bedridden and awful, that I'll just die in my sleep.'

'I want to stay tonight Jo…'

'Pace…'

'I want to stay with you forever…'

'It's only been two days.'

'It's been our whole lives and you know it,' he told her simply, 'I love you.'

'Good,' it made her breathe easier.

'Could you love me?' despite his world wide confidence he was innocently hopeful.

'I'll say it a million times if you want me to Pace. I love you. I really, really love you. I've always loved you. I don't ever want it to be to late.'

'What now?'

'Take me to bed please?' she whispered. 'Being with you makes me feel alive.'

* * *

'Good morning,' he whispered the words into her ear and watched her smile in a half sleep.

'Mmmm,' she stretched and this time he was looking for the signs of sickness and he saw the way she winced. The thing was she didn't look as ill as he knew she should. He couldn't help feeling optimistic despite his rather educated brain than knew otherwise. He knew what it meant better than anyone and yet in the early morning sunrise he stared at this beautiful girl and he felt deep inside of him that someone had got something wrong. That somehow he knew better than the rest of them and she was going to be ok. They had a kid together. A little girl who needed her mother. He hadn't been a father to the small girl for the first four and a half years of her life and suddenly he was a father, but not only that - he was going to be a single father, and Holly - she'd have no clear memories of the mom that had cared for her, and yet she'd remember him, the guy that waltzed in five years after the event and took over. And Pacey knew how to be an excellent doctor, he could care for the sick, the war wounded, the starving, but he wasn't sure what kind of dad he might be. It wasn't like he could aim to copy his dad and hope for the best either. And Holly seemed to be a gorgeous, bright thing, but there was no denying that her inability to hear added another layer to things. He didn't know sign language and everything from schooling to dating was going to be harder for her.

'You want a cup of something hot?' he asked because whatever his fears he knew that he loved the woman lying next to him, and he loved his daughter, even if it was the duty bound love of a father at this point, and he would do anything for them.

'In a minute,' she traced a finger over the defined muscles of his stomach, her hand sliding over the evidence of his attraction to her, before sliding all the way up to his chest. 'I feel like we need to talk. A lot.'

'I know what you mean,' he agreed. 'I...' he trailed off, but shuffled down in the bed so they were lying face to face and trailed a finger over her cheek. 'I just...'

'I think it may help for you to see my medical notes and Holly's.'

'Yes,' he nodded in relief. 'Yes that would really help.'

'I have been making a...I guess a _how to_ book on Holly. That sounds wrong, but a book to explain how I've done things. Though you must do things your way, I'd love it if she could have a little something of me to take her forward. It has all her favourite things in - what she eats, or doesn't, her favourite teddy bear, you know silly things.'

'Not silly,' he shook his head. 'Can I ask about her hearing, about cochlear implants?'

'You can ask,' Joey frowned, 'that's been a complex one with her doctors divided. Holly is entirely deaf and the implants would provide definite improvement. I wanted to get them for her but...well the cost,' she frowned, hiding her face in embarrassment.

'The cost?' he asked, rather dumbly.

'I couldn't afford them Pacey. Not with all my medical bills,' she looked at him and he recognized that he really didn't have a clue about the last five years.

'Oh wow,' he shifted away from her sitting up on the bed. 'I just never...I...'

'We're good Pace,' she said simply. 'Honestly. If you choose to do that for her, just make sure you read up everything. I've read that a deaf person can feel slightly displaced from the deaf community after receiving them and Holly has a wide circle of deaf friends. She has a place at a school in Boston for September. She is really excited. Sad that she won't be at school with Amy but happy enough. She doesn't see her deafness as a negativity and I don't want her to.'

'No she is perfect,' Pacey agreed looking up at the sound of small feet. Holly was stood in the doorway looking uncertain, a teddy clutched in her hand, all soft and sleepy in her pyjamas, her hair a messy halo around her head. Her eyes were on her mother who had slipped on his old hockey shirt in record time and opened up the covers. With an uncertain look at her bare chested father she scampered across the room and into the warm cocoon beside Joey, her mother wrapping around her and kissing her until Holly was making a noise that sounded like giggles. It was the first sound he'd heard his silent child make and it was beautiful. He edged closer until he was pressed against Joey. Maybe he should have been concerned by his nakedness but he wasn't, especially as he was hidden by the covers. Holly frowned at him and signed to Joey.

'What's he doing here?' Joey translated for Holly. Continuing to speak as she replied to her daughter, 'he stayed the night.' Holly made a face at that and Joey laughed before signing, 'no it's not yuk. I love him.' Holly made a face and signed,

'Is he still my dad?' Joey translated and Pacey nodded his head.

'Always,' Joey answered and Pacey copied the sign. Holly stared for a moment and then signed again, Joey speaking for her,

'And you're still my mommy even if you love him?'

'Oh Hol,' Joey pressed kisses to her daughters cheeks, 'I've always loved him and I've always been your mom and loved you. Nothing will ever stop those things being true.'

'Ok,' Holly nodded simply. 'Breakfast?'

'Sure,' Joey signed and slipped out of bed with her daughter. Pacey couldn't help but stare at the long exposed length of Joey's legs, disappearing under the hem of his hockey shirt. He had to keep repeating to himself that he had a daughter. That he had a daughter with Joey. That Joey would die.

'You know I wasn't going to come home,' he said as he pulled on jeans and followed them down the stairs, forgoing a shirt.

'You weren't?' Joey turned some cartoons on for Holly. 'She always gets cartoons on the weekend - it's a right of childhood. Weekend cartoons in your pyjamas?'

'Yes,' he chuckled and watched as Joey pulled out flour and began to mix up pancakes.

'Where were you going to go?'

'There was a month between finishing work up in Nigeria and when I was going to head Pakistan. I thought about going through England. I have a bunch of friends there but I kinda wanted to resolve some issues here.'

'What issues?' she asked, hoping she was one of them but knowing that really he meant his family.

'Well my brother and sisters. I missed them. Crackly phone calls and emails aren't really a substitute for seeing them. I also thought it was time I fixed things with my folks. They aren't getting any younger and it pulls me down to know that we're in this awful standoff.'

'They've mellowed you know. They're pretty good to Holly. Your dad even learned sign language.'

'But he didn't offer to pay for cochlear implants or email me...' Pacey grumbled and so Joey left the pancake mix and put her hands on the bare skin at his waist and pressed a kiss to his chest. He sighed and wrapped his arms around her,

'They paid my bills Pace. Some of them. They helped me not be in debt. If they'd had the money they would have. I asked them to but they said Holly was better off with her mother and deaf than the other way. I agreed.'

'Oh,' he pressed featherlight kisses to her cheek. 'I've missed a lot. Why did no one tell me? My brother, my family?'

'You were in and out of contact more than you think. It was tough to slip it into a garbled conversation with a crackly line. Doug said it a couple of times even, you never heard.'

'There's no crackle on an email?'

'I guess it isn't easy to put things into an email. I know I tried. My drafts folder is full of emails to you, full of photos. I was a wimp. I knew you'd come back. I knew you'd abandon the dreams you had and all you'd worked for and come back.'

'I came back for you anyway,' he admitted.

'Huh?'

'I wanted to see my siblings. I even wanted to sort things with my parents, but it was you. I've never been able to forget you, to pretend you mean less than you did. I missed you and I couldn't stop wondering if things might have been different if I'd stayed. I was in all these places all over the world and yet everywhere I went I would think of you. What would Joey think? Would she like it here? What's she doing right now?'

'That means a surprising amount to me,' she whispered.

'It does?' he looked down at her with a sceptical look all over his face, 'because the way I see it, it have meant a whole lot more to you if I'd been here.'

'You know, when I found out I was pregnant, when I found out I was sick, when all this stuff happened and life quite literally fell apart I decided I had to let go of the anger, the frustration, the constant what if's because they were dangerous. That night gave me a beautiful, funny, sweet daughter who may have always been deaf. I have your daughter, and you - you've always made me feel special, like whatever it is between us was somehow different to the usual love affairs. I've loved hanging onto the notion that I wouldn't have got pregnant if Holly wasn't somehow meant to be, if you and I weren't somehow meant to be. I know that's crazy, but it was a positive way to see things and I enjoyed flirting with the romantic side of myself. You and Holly - I owe the last five years to you, else I might not have discovered my illness before there was time to buy me time.'

'As long as I live I will regret that no one sent me an email saying Joey is having your baby and is sick.'

'Pace, I love you. You haven't been back for five years and there is a reason for that. You came back because you were ready and that's fine by me. I know you missed a lot but it wasn't fun. You - you get the best bit of Holly's life, the memories. You get to take her on vacations she'll never forget, raise her to be a wonderful woman. You get to meet her children, see what she becomes and she's smart Pace - she can be anything. The baby bit is lovely and magical, but you get the best bit. You get to be her father when she's really going to need one.'

'And you would give anything to be there for that?' he asked softly.

'I would give anything,' she agreed, blinking and causing a cascade of tears. 'Enjoy what you get Pace.'

'I don't get you,' he felt tears in his eyes.

'No, but you get the best thing I ever made.'

* * *

They got a week. It was an excellent week tinged with pain and sadness. For one week they got to be a family and he'd loved it. Loved putting Holly to bed, eating breakfast together, giving baths, and learning to communicate with his daughter in her silent world. He loved Joey, loved her first thing in the morning, and loved her last thing at night, face scrubbed free of makeup wearing nothing but his hockey jersey. He loved getting to be intimate with her, learning her body and how to make it unravel. In less than a week their lives were entwined so deeply he could scarcely understand how they hadn't been that way forever.

That last day he'd known something was wrong and so had Joey. She'd kept fading out of conversations. They'd eaten dinner with Jen and Amy, Jack and Doug and they'd all known what it meant. Even Holly had sat close to her mother. Just the day before they'd gone for a walk. It had been so romantic, even with Holly swinging between them. They'd picked up some clothes for Holly, and he'd stopped by to talk to the small hospital about a job for Pacey. That day Joey had had energy. Sure she'd rested whilst he cooked dinner, but that night she'd rolled her naked body into his, her hands roaming and her mouth following them. In the morning she slept in. Holly had stared at her sleeping mother and signed at Pacey who didn't understand. Something about sleep. Then Holly had signed Jen's name repeatedly and so Pacey had gone to the door that connected the two apartments and Jen had come immediately, explaining that if Joey was hard to wake Holly had been told to fetch her mother's best friend.

'I'll take care of the girls, you check Joey over,' Jen had said and he'd stared at her, unable to comprehend. 'You're a doctor Pace,' Jen had explained carefully and he knew what she was saying then, that this might be the beginning of the end.

He'd sat on the bed and done the tests he could, taken some blood but really he could tell, that for whatever reason over night something had failed and that Joey was going to die sooner rather than later. He'd cried then, his face pressed to her chest, unable to grasp that this would be it. This life he'd returned for was over and something new was happening. He'd never conceptualized a life with a daughter, though he'd always seen his children having Joey as their mother. And there had always been a mother in his loose, disjointed thoughts on the subject. But he was to lose this girl he'd loved forever and become responsible for their daughter, a girl he didn't know. A week had taught him that he did love her and beyond the requisite fatherly love. She was amazing. Funny, intuitive, stubborn. At length, with tears still falling onto her chest, he'd felt a hand in his hair and he'd lain beside of her. They'd stared into each other's eyes for a long time.

'I should get up,' she insisted at length and he helped her stand. She was too weak though and so he'd carried her to the bathroom to freshen up and then down the stairs. They'd spent the day together, Holly snuggled almost permanently into her mother's side. Holly and Joey had taught him some sign language. It was a bitty day. As Joey slept Holly and Amy played. Doug and Jack called over, and Pacey was reunited with Dawson - a cold and bitter reunion but Pacey didn't care much because his life had a new focus. Even his folks came over, his mom delivering food and his dad sitting beside Joey and talking, hugging his tiny granddaughter on his knee. This was something Pacey hadn't ever thought he would see.

They ate dinner in the living room, a space Joey and Jen shared. Doug and Jack had returned for that. Holly had sat on one side of Joey and Pacey on the other. Joey hadn't eaten or been awake for most of the meal. Doug and Jack had offered to put Holly to bed but Pacey had done it. His first experience of doing something for Holly alone. She'd asked him to lay on the bed with her and he had done so, one hand stroking her soft hair, his eyes marvelling at the perfection of his daughter. She fell asleep quickly, and it was only that the love of his life lay dying elsewhere that pulled Pacey from the enchanting sight of his daughter and the luxury of lying next to her small sweetness.

At around nine he'd carried Joey upstairs. She awoke enough to use the bathroom and he helped her do her teeth before carrying her back through to her room.

'Sleep without your shirt,' she'd said as he lay her in the bed and he'd nodded.

'I should make some Paceyesq joke about you sleeping without yours,' he mused and she smiled.

'I think tonight it best stay on,' her voice was broken. She didn't sound much like Joey after only a day.

'Hmm,' he muttered. 'I'll brush and use the bathroom and be right back.'

'Ok.'

* * *

She was still awake when he returned and she rolled into him. He pulled her against him and she pressed a soft kiss to his bare chest.

'Why did you name her Holly?' he asked.

'She arrived near Christmas. I was sick. Holly is so pretty and she was so pretty. She was in the neonatal intensive care...' she paused, 'some kids that are born early...they have hearing problems, you know...'

'I know,' he reassured.

'Someone...an older volunteer knits hats for the premies...Holly's had holly on it.'

'That's a sweet story,' he kissed her head.

'I should have told you,' she whispered, 'and I'm sorry. You should have had all the information to make a decision on. I'm just glad you came back anyway.'

'I love you Jo. It is what it is, isn't that what you said?'

'Yes,' she nodded. 'I love you too. Look after our daughter.'

'I promise,' he swiped at tears, but continued to hold her close.

* * *

As soon as Pacey awoke he knew something was wrong. How long since she'd passed he couldn't say but she was still warm and pliant to his touch. Tears burned his eyes, hot, ready and very heavy. It was too much and it was real. It was too damn real. Unforgiving. Life was unforgiving. A sound at the door caught his attention and he saw Holly stood there, a little life in a large baggy t-shirt that belonged to Joey. She was staring at her mother and she knew. Pacey knew she knew and did the only thing he could, he opened his arms to her. When she ran into them he knew that it would all be new for both of them but they would be ok.


End file.
